Orpheus and Eurydice

A Comedic Love Story in Space

Cast & Characters

Orpheus - Geoff

Eurydice - Scott

Hades / Misc - Mark

Storm Trooper(s)/ Misc - Kerry

Narrator / Misc - Rader

Scene 1 (A ship. Orpheus and Eurydice are getting married)

Note: The Narrator reads off the scene numbers and location titles

Orph & Eury. (Together) I do

Captain/Hades Good, because you're about to be boarded.

[Enter Storm Trooper]

Cap Ha, ha! I am truly Hades, and no one can stop me from taking Eurydice!

[He turns on them, takes Eur, shoves Orph into escape pod, exits]

Orph NOOOOO!!! You Snake!

Scene 2 (Entrance to Death Star)

Nar The lord of the dead having long since taken Eurydice into his foul realm, our hero has managed to escape from the escape pod (kinda ironic, huh?) And journey to the horrible land of the Dead, and stands at the entrance to the Death Star

Orph Long have I journeyed since the day when the snake took away my fair maiden, but soon I shall have her back! I stand now at the entrance to the Death Star, where--

Rader I already told them that! Cut!

Scott What now? Haven't we already done this scene enough?

Geoff Look, I was just making sure that they knew for certain where we are. Especially since we can't afford any scenery!

Mark Well, if someone had managed to talk a major motion picture studio into doing this, that wouldn't be a problem.

[Enter Storm Trooper]

Storm Freeze! Who're you?

Rader We're cut.

Kerry Oh. Damn. C'mon, I wanna get to the end so I can blow him [points to Geoff] up!

Rader Fine. Places, Scene 2.

Scene 2, Take 2 (Entrance to Death Star)

Nar The Lord of Death, Hades, having taken Orpheus' love Eurydice across the river Styx-

Geoff We're in space, nit. There's no river.

Nar Fine, across the Planetary system Styx, now hides like the coward that he is in the Death Star. Orpheus has managed to journey from the distant land where his escape pod landed and now stands at the Entrance to the Death Star

Orph Long have I journeyed since the day when the snake took away my fair maiden, but soon I shall have her back! Standing now at the Entrance to the Death Star I see no sign of the horrible multi-headed monster created by the evil Empire, the Storm troopers.

[Enter Storm Trooper]

Orph Oh. There they are.

Mark You're gonna add more of them with the computers, right?

Rader Yeah.

Storm Freeze! Who're you?

Orph I'm... uh... [brings out lyre, plays] These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Kerry Wrong scene

Orph Sorry. My name is no concern of you. Let me pass.

Storm Why?

Orph Because I said so

Storm What, you're using some sort of Jedi mind trick?

Orph No, my mother's a muse and I'm the greatest musician ever and I'm trying to charm you

Storm Hey, Lord Hades is having a party tonight, could you come sing for him?

Orph Uh... I guess so.

Nar. And so Orpheus gained access to the dread region through his song.

Scene 3 (Deep in the bowels of the Death Star)

Nar Hades was indeed having a party that night, and soon Orpheus took the stage

Orph Thank you, thank you.

Hades Hey! I remember you! You're the guy who's broad I took!

Orph Yeah! Why'd you do that, anyway? She doesn't know anything yet!

Hades She doesn't?

Orph No, you took her too soon.

Hades Rats. Hmm... I'll tell you what: sing me a song and I'll let you take her back.

Orph Okay. [In awful voice] Mary had a little lamb, little lamb-

Hades Stop! I thought you said you were the greatest musician ever!

Orph Yeah, but I can't sing worth a damn.

Hades Take her anyway, BUT if you look back before you've left, I'll slam the door shut on you and crush you both like ants!

Orph Wohoo!

Nar Orpheus and Eurydice begin to leave they're almost out of the foul cave and into the light when...

[Orph looks back]

[Eury looks back, doesn't notice the block on the floor and trips]

Nar It was a fatal fall.

Eury Farewell!

Nar Orpheus knew it would be no good to go back, and so returned, forlornly, to his home.

Scene 4 (A Ship)

Orph Oh, woe is me

[Enter Storm Trooper]

Storm Not anymore. [Shoots Orph, who dies]

Nar The muses buried his head on an island near the Lesbian shore, and his body at the base of Mount Olympus, where the nightingales sing sweetly forevermore. The End

[Everyone gets up]

Scott Geoffrey, your script bites.

Geoff Don't blame the words on the mouth they're coming out of!

Kerry What's that supposed to mean?

Mark Let's do a chat room romance

Rader Yeah!

Geoff You know, that's not such a bad idea...