The Regrettable Comedy and Worthless drama


Les Not-Quite-So Miserables


The Hitchhiker's Guide to Les Mis

Act I, Fantine

Scene 1 [Colorado, 1997. A small town street. Onstage is The Bishop, puttering in his garden. Enter Jean ValBeeblebrox, running]

TB Slow down! Hey! What's the rush?

JVB They're after me! The police are hot on my trail!

TB Why? What did you do?

JVB I was smoking in a non-smoking area!

TB What?! (crosses himself) May God have mercy on your soul! Quickly, my son, hide behind this cottonwood.

[JVB hides. Enter Inspector McMillian]

TB Hello, officer. Fine day, isn't it, ma'am?

McM Shut up. Where is he?

TB Ma'am?

McM ValBeeblebrox. That dog. He was just released after serving his time for spitting in public, then he goes and starts smoking. Some creeps never learn.

TB How long was he in prison, ma'am?

McM Ten years.

TB They let him off light, then?

McM Yes. Are you sure you haven't seen him?

TB As sure as I was before.

McM Huh. Well, farewell, citizen.

TB Ma'am.

[McM exits]

TB You can come out now, sir.

[JVB comes out]

JVB Thank you! I would have been executed for a second offense. [Takes out pack of cigarettes] Good-bye, good sir!

[Enter McM]

McM Aha! I knew you were here! Hand over those cigarettes and come quietly with me!

JVB No! Not again!

TB Ma'am, those are my cigarettes. [Takes cigs from JVB] He was holding them for me.

McM Oh. Um... you weren't planning on smoking them, were you?

TB No, ma'am. I like the feel in my fingers and on my lips. [places one to mouth] See?

McM [glares at TB and then JVB] Alright! Fine!

[Exit McM, stalking]

JVB Thanks, man! You saved me again! [Holds out his hand]

TB No problem. [looks at JVB's hand] What? Maybe I do like to hold them in my mouth.

[Exit TB]

JVB [starts after TB, stops] Ah, he did save me.

[Enter Ford Prefect with Arthur Dent]


FP Jean! I thought they'd locked you up for good!

JVB Not yet. I need to get out of here, though. The old lady's looking for me.

FP Really -- well, there's a town a few miles over that could use a mayor -- their last one disappeared suddenly, making a convenient opening for the plot, so if you want, you could fill in for her...

JVB Her?

FP Yeah, Madeleine Jenkins. She was quite a woman.

AD Ford, who is this man?

FP Nevermind, Arthur. So, you want the job?

JVB Uh, sure. Where is it?

FP About twenty miles east of here.

JVB That's more than a few. What's its name?

FP Broomfield-sur-mer.

JVB Sur-mer? There's no ocean for thousands of miles!

FP There aren't any fields of brooms, either.

JVB Good point. Thanks, Ford!

FP Sure thing. Hey, you know where this guy can stay for a while? They demolished his cardboard box and-

AD House. It's my house.

FP Yeah. Whatever. And he needs a place to stay.

JVB They guy who lives here's pretty nice. Maybe you should ask him.

FP Thanks.

JVB Only -- don't give him your cigarettes.

FP Okay. See ya.

JVB Bye.

[End Scene 1]

Scene 2 [Denver, a sidewalk café. Fantine, Anne, Josie, Judi, Donald, Mike, Bob and Fred are onstage, sitting around a large table.]

Fan So, what about the president?

Anne Oh, my God! He is so ugly!

Josie I know. And have you seen his wife?

Judie Fashion alert! [she giggles]

Fan No, what about the drilling in Alaska?

Don Why would you worry about that, sweetie?

Mike Yeah, you should worry about your hair.

[The boys laugh. Fantine flushes]

Don Hey, ladies, wait here, while we go get you something.

Josie Ooh! What is it?

Anne I bet it's jewelry!

Judie Or a dress!

Fan [hopefully] Concert tickets?

Anne Yeah! The Beastie Boys! [Fan sighs]

Don [laughing] Just wait and see, ladies!

[Exit Boys]

Anne I can't wait! [car tires screech]

Josie Maybe it's a new car

Fan [sighs] They're not coming back.

All but Fan What?

Anne Sure they are!

Judie They love us!

Fan [Eyes downcast] That's what I thought.

[Exit Fan. End Scene 2]

Scene 3 [Fantine's Apartment. Onstage is Random, Fantine's daughter. NOTE: Random can be a doll in a crib at this point. Enter Fantine]

Fan Hi, baby. How's my kiddo? [she picks up Random] You're a good girl, yes. You're your [Fan begins to cry] mother's daughter. Not your father's, no. [She puts Random down] I was so stupid. He was so handsome, so dashing. I'd never had a boyfriend before. Everything was perfect. He'd bring me flowers, he even remembered my birthday. I should have known it was too good to be true. I invited him up to my apartment. I thought we were going to marry someday. That was last June. March was when Random was born. My little baby. What am I going to do with you? I don't have any money to send you to daycare, and who's going to hire a girl with no skills? Maybe I could intern at the White House. No, no. How would I get there? Oh, what am I going to do? My rent's three months due and I'm broke.

[a knock at the door]

Oh no! That's my landlord! He'll kill me if I don't pay! [Wrings hands] Oh! [picks up Random's carriage (w/Random)] Come on, baby!

[Exit Fantine through window. End scene 3.]

Scene 4 [A trailer park. Suzanne Thénardier and daughters, Elizabeth and Alice, are onstage. Suzanne is hanging out the laundry while the girls play on a rusty swing set. Enter Fantine, with Random. She sees the girls happily playing, and is touched. She approaches Suzanne]

Fan Ma'am, are these your children?

ST [curtly] Yes.

Fan They're very happy-looking girls, very pretty.

ST [softening] Thank you.

Fan I have a little girl myself, Random. [She shows Random to ST]

ST Well, isn't she darling!

Fan Thank you, ma'am. (beat) I was wondering...

ST Yes?

Fan Since your girls look so happy, and I can't take care of mine...

ST You want to leave her with me.

Fan Yes.

ST [eyes narrowing] Always the same with you tramps, isn't it? You get knocked up and you expect society to take care of your kids. No way.

Fan But, if I have to stay home, I can't work! We'll starve!

ST Nothin' doin'. Unless...

Fan Unless what?

ST She'll need food, and clothing.

Fan Oh, I'll gladly send what I can...

ST No. Five hundred dollars a month. No less.

Fan That's outrageous! Where will I get all that money?

ST Well, if you're not interested...

Fan [sighs] Fine. Five hundred a month.

ST And don't be late. Come, kids.

[Exit ST and girls into trailer. Fantine kneels to talk to Random]

Fan I guess this is goodbye, Random. Don't worry, these are good people. It'll only be for a little while, then I'll come and get you. I promise. [she is crying] It won't be easy, but we'll make it. I'll be back, kiddo. [she knocks on the trailer door. ST answers, and Fantine gives some money and Random to her. Exit ST, with Random.] [Sniffling] Bye, baby.

[Exit Fantine. Enter ST and Robert Thénardier, with Random.]

RT You fool! We can't afford another brat! I owe Joey a hundred and fifty dollars, and he's the guy with the gun, if you know what I'm sayin'.

ST Relax. She gave us two hundred to start, and I talked the whore into five hundred a month.

RT Huh. Not bad, for a beginner. Fine, we'll keep the brat. But next time let me do the talking!

ST Hmph.

[Exit ST and RT. End Scene 4]

Scene 5 [Broomfield-sur-mer. JVB is onstage, dressed in fine clothing. He has a beard and is talking to a townsperson. Enter Fantine and Arthur, from opposite sides. Fantine stops him.]

Fan Sir, do you know where I can get a job? I'm willing to work for anyone.

AD A factory position just opened. [eyes her. She reacts by drawing herself up coldly] Yes, you'd do just fine.

Fan Where? When do I start?

AD Follow me. You'll start now.

[Exit Fan and AD. JVB ends his conversation and the townsperson leaves as Ford enters]

FP Well, Mayor Madeleine, how do you like your job?

JVB Don't call me that! Geez, Ford!

FP Alright, alright.

JVB Did you see that new girl?

FP The one who went off with Arthur?

JVB Yeah. Find out who she is.

FP Oh [clicks his cheeks] I gotcha.

[Exit FP]

JVB Idiot.

[Enter AD]

AD You shouldn't talk about your friends that way.

JVB (muttering) Monkeyman.

AD Birdbrain.

JVB What did you do with that girl?

AD I told her this city didn't need any single mothers.

JVB What is wrong with you? This city was founded with the intent of making sure single mothers get the support they need!

AD (muttering) Yeah, like horny men.

JVB What was that? Nevermind, where did she go?

AD She was headed toward the river.

JVB You nitwit! Call the ambulance, get someone out there!

AD Yessir.

[Exit AD]

JVB I hope she's still alright.

[Exit JVB. End Scene 5]

Scene 6 [the river. Fantine is standing on a large rock, about to jump in. Enter JVB]

JVB Wait! Don't jump!

Fan Why shouldn't I? I've got nothing to live for, no one will hire me, not even the stupid factory. I've given away my girl, and I'm a useless old hag!

JVB You're hardly an old hag!

Fan You don't get it, do you? Goodbye, cruel world!

JVB Don't jump! I'll hire you, I'm rich! You could be my maid! You can bring your girl, too...

Fan Really?!

JVB Yes, if you want, I've even got a French maid outfit that-

Fan No! I mean, I can really bring my girl? [she starts climbing down]

JVB Yes. You both will have whatever you need.

Fan Like nice clothes?

JVB The nicest.

Fan And good food?

JVB McDonald's every night.

Fan And a big screen TV?

JVB Um... [she hugs him]

Fan Oh, thank you, sir!

[Enter Inspector McM]

McM I got a 911... You!

JVB You!

McM Freeze ValBeeblebrox! You're under arrest!

Fan What?! Why? This man is so kind, so sweet, he-

McM He was smoking in a public area.

Fan Oh my god! [she dies]

McM Alright, sir, come with me.

JVB But, shouldn't we, um...

McM Do you want me to read you your rights in front of a dead body?

JVB Um, no.

McM Follow me. [while exiting] Jean ValBeeblebrox, you are under arrest for smoking in a... [exit McM]

JVB I'll take care of your kid, young lady.

[Exit JVB. End Scene 6. End Act 1]

Act II, Random

Scene 1[2005, the trailer. Random, age 8, is sitting, sewing some clothes while Elizabeth and Alice play. Enter ST.]

ST Brat! You worthless thing! Are you done with that jacket yet? [Random hands her a jacket with a large backwards Nike swoosh] Cretin! Look at this, it's backwards! No one is going to pay anything for this! At least the sewing is poor, it'll be easy to tear off!

[Enter RT]

RT Why the hell do you waste your time on that wench? We should have fed her to the feral dogs seven years ago when her deadbeat mom left her here.

ST Don't remind me. She's almost as bad as the little retard inside. But, at least now she can sew. Almost. [to Random] And that had better be fixed when I get back.

[Exit ST. From inside the trailer, a baby wails]

RT Shut yer yap!

[Enter JVB]

JVB Sir!

RT What do you want?

JVB Whose child is that?

RT What do you care?

JVB I want her.

RT Why?

JVB I'm her... grandfather.

RT I don't believe you.

JVB Too bad. She's mi-

[Enter FP and AD, running]

FP Jean!

JVB Ford!

AD Strange trailer inhabitant!

[They all look at AD]

AD Sorry.

FP We've got to get out of here now!

JVB Why? What's going on?

FP The you-know-whats and their big yellow bulldozers want to level this place.

JVB You're kidding!

FP No! Come on!

JVB I can't leave the girl!

[The wind begins howling]

FP Bring her with!

[Enter Inspector McM]

McM Freeze, scumbags [RT puts his hands in the air]

FP Now is really not a good time. Arthur, get out the thumb. [Arthur fumbles in his pockets]

Booming Voice People of Earth...

FP Now would be good, Arthur.

[Arthur drops something on the ground, which McM scrambles to pick up]

JVB We'll use mine. Come here, girl.

[JVB and McM push their buttons at the same time. Blackout. End Scene 1]

Scene 2 [Interior, Vogon spaceship. JVB, FP, AD, and Random are lying on the ground. Ford is the first to stir.]

FP [Moans]

AD I was hoping I would never have to do that again.

JVB If there's one thing I've learned, its that you never, ever hope something like that.

FP Yeah, the next time you might wind up dead, instead.

[Random gets up, and cowers in the corner]

FP Little girl, don't be frightened.

AD What's your name?

Rand R-R-Random.

AD I'm Arthur.

FP Jean, what are you going to do now?

JVB I don't know. I've never had a kid before. At least, not one that I know of.

FP I've got a ship waiting on the Gorbean V station -- you could take it.

JVB Really? Thanks, Ford.

FP 'Course, the hyperspace radio doesn't work, and it handles pretty poorly, and I think there's a crack in the hull.

JVB Ford?

FP It's in stall 5052.

JVB Ford?

FP Yeah?

JVB Shut up, Ford.

FP Oh. Right.

AD I hate to be a bother...

JVB and FP Too late.

AD But isn't this a Vogon spaceship? As I remember, they don't like hitchhikers.

FP So we'll have to be quiet. Come on, fellows, let's see if we can...

[A klaxon sounds. Everyone but Random drops to the floor.]

AD Random, lie down like a good girl. [she does] That's the-

[Blackout. End Scene 2]

Scene 3 [Ford's ship in stall 5052. Enter JVB and Random.]

JVB That was a lovely walk, wasn't it, Random?

Rand Yes, daddy.

JVB Alright, young lady, you go inside while I make sure everything is working right.

[Exit Random onto the ship. JVB begins inspecting the ship. Enter Inspector McM disguised as a technician.]

McM Excuse me, sir.

JVB What is it?

McM Don't you need some work done, Mister...?

JVB ValBeeblebrox. No, thank you.

McM Are you sure?

JVB Yes.

[A voice comes over the loudspeaker]

Voice Ladies and gentlebeings. As commander of this station, I am happy to announce your daily poetry reading.

McM What's this?

JVB Oh no! Cover your ears! [he does]

McM Why?

Voice This is called: Ode to Watterlou

Oh, glorious, fandeferous battle!

Bluegrass and scintillating crabs abound.

Frogstar fighters flash red lasers,

making snifelerous, bifferous sound.

JVB [writhing on the floor] Augh!

McM Oh, the humanity!


Shot to hell, skewered rat,

Napoleon is short and fat,

Fendibulous wanly wonkers

Make old cannon fodder.

JVB Noo! Stop!

Voice Thank you, that will be all for today.

McM Thank God!

[Exit McM, quickly]

JVB What an odd woman.

[He continues to inspect the ship. The voice returns.]

Voice Jean ValBeeblebrox! You have been brought to the attention of the authorities. Please stand by to be arrested!

JVB Damn! I knew that woman looked familiar. McMillian must've asked the local authorities for help. Random! Get ready for takeoff! [He runs into the ship] Ow! [He enters the ship]

[End Scene 3]

Scene 4 [This is a dual set. On stage left is the interior of JVB's ship, JVB and Rand are onstage. On stage right is the interior of Inspector McM's ship, McM onstage. Suggested: lights alternate between the sections during the scene.]

JVB Random, get into your seat. Buckle up! [he gives a cheesy smile to the audience with a thumbs up while she does. He also buckles up] Hang on, we've got to get out of here quick! [He manipulates the controls. A voice is heard.]

Voice XFG-1783 -- You have not been authorized to launch! Leaving the station will constitute a violation of the law and you will be considered a fugitive. Cease now.

JVB Not a chance!

[Switch to McM]

McM This is Inspector McMillian of the Galactic Bureau of Investigations. I am in pursuit of the fugitive Jean ValBeeblebrox. I have warrants for his arrest on five planets.

Voice Inspector McMillian, you are cleared for launch.

[She manipulates the controls.]

McM Gorbean V, I request three ships for assistance in capturing the fugitive.

Voice Granted.

McM Thank you.

[Switch to JVB]

JVB I knew it. McMillian is after me again. Hold on, Random, this may get ugly.

McM ValBeeblebrox! Give yourself up! You'll never escape!

JVB Try me, McMillian! Random, get ready to push the hyperspace drive button.

[They hold on, (if not switching lights back and forth, blackout on their side). Switch to McMillian]

McM Damn! They went into hyperspace...hmm, the only system in range in the direction they were headed in is... Ha-ha! I have them now! [to other ships] Prepare to enter hyperspace headed to these coordinates!

[She holds on (if not switching lights back and forth, blackout on her side). Switch to JVB (lights up)]

JVB [Holding head with one hand] I wish there was a better way to get from there to here that didn't involve so many headaches. [he checks his instruments] Oh no! This is a dead end! There's no way out!

[Switch to McM (lights up)]

McM [holding her head] Aha, ValBeeblebrox! You're trapped. Soon I will drag you back to the waiting hands of justice.

JVB More like waiting claws.

McM Surrender now, and the prosecutors may be lenient.

JVB Never! I must protect Random!

[Switch to JVB]

JVB Everything's going to be okay, Random. Don't worry. I'm just going to fly down to this planet here...[he looks at the screen.] What the...? Hold on, Random!

[Many-colored lights flash. Switch to McM (blackout on JVB)]

McM The fool! He's headed straight for the planet. (beat) What is he doing? He's going too fast! There won't be a body to bring back! (beat) What!?!?!? Where'd he go? He should have crashed! Damn you, ValBeeblebrox!

[End Scene 4]

Scene 5 [a planet. Small town, a village. Onstage are townspeople, going about their business. Enter JVB with Random]

JVB I never thought I'd see a fold like that in the space-time continuum! Good thing those buffalo were running through it, or I wouldn't have ever seen it.

[Enter AD]

AD Perfectly Normal Beasts.

JVB What?

AD They're not buffalo, they're Perfectly Normal Beasts.

JVB You don't say.

AD Oh, yes.

JVB So... what are you doing here, monkeyman?

AD Well, after one incident involving a space liner, a pot of daisies and a sperm whale, which turned out surprisingly well, I was traveling around and my ship crashed and I ended up stranded on this planet. The locals didn't take to me right away, but they were quite impressed when I showed them my wondrous knowledge of technology.

JVB And that would be?

[A townsperson approaches AD]

Towns Oh, great Sandwichmaker...

AD Erm, uh, yes?

Towns Your wise presence is needed presently!

AD Ah, yes. I'll be right there.

[Exit Townsperson]

JVB Sandwichmaker?

AD Well, you see...

JVB Nevermind for now. We need a place to stay and my ship is, er, out of fuel.

AD Yes, of course. I'll see to it right away.

JVB Thank you.

[Enter Chief]

AD Here's the man we want right now. Chief?

Chief Yes, oh wise Sandwichmaker?

AD These two are... cousins of mine. They, too, arrived from the sky and are in need of a home. Would it be possible for them to stay here?

Chief I believe that could be arranged, yes.

AD Ah, good. Thank you.

[Exit Chief]

You know, I've had quite a bit of spare time lately... would you like to hear some of my poetry?

JVB Well, actually...

AD It goes like this: My Blown-Up Planet Blues

Well, there's a planet

Very dear to me

With green grass and

blue oceans that I love

What happened to my planet?

It's clear to me

They needed a bypass and

The planet needed a shove...

JVB [clapping] Beautiful! Wonderful! Let's go, Random.

AD I'm not fin-

JVB Goodbye, Arthur. See you later!

[Exit JVB and Random. End Scene 5. End Act II]

Act III, Marius, St. Bob and Jean ValBeeblebrox

Scene 1 [The village. Onstage is Marius]

Mar Ah, everyday I wait eagerly by the hut of the Sandwichmaker for the young girl whose name I don't know. She comes with her fathers, the Sandwichmaker and some guy with white hair. I always call him Mr. Whitehair but no one else seems to. Oh well.

[Enter Marius' friends, Mishka, Shishka, and Bob]

Mish Hail, Marius!

Mar Hi Mishka, Shishka, Bob.

Shish How is this fine day for you?

Mar Never so fine as when she is here.

Bob A "she," now?

Mish (jokingly) Had you given up on me?

[Enter Random and JVB, opposite Marius]

Mar Shut up! There she is!

[Random and JVB walk across the stage and cross in front of Marius and gang]

Mar [tips his hat or makes some gesture of greeting] Hello, good sir.

[JVB acknowledges with a nod of his head. Exit JVB and Random]

Shish She is pretty.

Mar She's beautiful. And she will be mine.

[End Scene 1]

Scene 2 [the swamps. Onstage is RT with Petty Thugs. Also onstage are ST, Elizabeth and Alice, and Marius (hidden)]

RT Suzanne, quickly! Put on your rags. Elizabeth, break this pot on your head!

Eliz No way!

RT Fine, just break it and smudge your face with some dirt. Alice, lie there and look sick. [she moans] Good! Quickly, now! He'll be here any minute.

[Enter JVB]

RT He's here! Look pathetic!

Alice No problem.

RT [greeting JVB] Oh, noble sir! Friend of the Sandwichmaker!

JVB Do I know you?

RT Only in that I am of the downtrodden under class so commonly crushed -- I mean, aided by those who are better off than us socially.

JVB Uh-huh. It's just that... I think I've seen your face somewhere before.

RT Impossible, sir, I assure you.

Petty Thug [jumping up and down with hand in the air] Oh! Oh! I know! He's the guy that you took the little girl from!

JVB You!

RT That's the last time I use an audience member for a petty thug.

[Enter McM escorted by another petty thug]

PT2 Hey, boss, I found this girl snoopin' around.

RT Excellent. She will make our body count for this operation all the higher. I'll win the trophy at the next evil-doers reunion. For you see... Mr. ValBeeblebrox, you will kill McMillian!

McM You!

JVB You!

Mar (played by Vince) Gasp!

RT Oho! A spy, eh? [he drags Marius out from behind a tree] Well, you can kill ValBeeblebrox before we kill you!

Mar Gasp again!

[RT hands JVB a gun. JVB takes aim at McM but instead fires at RT (and misses). In the ensuing scuffle, Marius is injured. At the end, JVB, holding a gun, and McM are left standing]

McM Well, go ahead and shoot me. I've done nothing but hound you for sixty years. You know you want to.

[JVB hesitates for a moment]

JVB No. I must save this boy's life, but I cannot carry him alone. We need to get him back to the village.

McM ...Alright.

[They carry Marius offstage. End Scene 2]

Scene 3 [Sandwichmaker's hut. Onstage are Random and AD. Enter JVB and McM with Marius]

JVB Arthur! Quickly, we need some bandages!

AD Are glow-in-the-dark Snoopys alright?

JVB I don't care! Give 'em here.

[They bandage him]

Rand Hey! It's that crazy guy who always stares at me! [she looks at him] You know, he's not too bad-looking. Daddies, I want to marry him.

JVB What?! You don't even know him!

Rand So? You and Sandwich-daddy are the only people I do know.

AD She has a point.

JVB What? No, she doesn't!

AD Oh. Quite right.

McM Are you an Earthman?

AD Yes, how did you know?

McM Just a guess.

Rand I'm going to marry him just the same.

JVB Tell you what, you can marry him if, after living with him for six months, you can still stand him.

Rand Okay.

[End Scene 3]

Scene 4 [The wedding reception. Onstage is the entire cast except Ford]

JVB Well, you did it, honey. I'm very proud.

Rand Thanks, daddy.

McM So, where are you going now, Jean?

JVB I don't know. I was thinking somewhere in the Hoffman sector. You want to come?

McM Sure. Let's go.

[Exit JVB and McM]

Mar I'm so, so happy, pumpkin.

Rand Me, too, sweetcheeks.

Mar Sweetcheeks! What a dreadful term!

Rand Too bad. Hey! Let's go consummate our marriage!

Mar Okay!

RT Wait! I need money!

[Random and Marius exit]

AD Here, have a sandwich.

RT I don't want a... are those peanut butter and swiss on zuccini?

AD Yes.

RT They're my favorite!

[Enter Ford]

FP Wait! This isn't at all how Les Miserables ends! And what about everything that doesn't make sense! How'd the Thénardiers get here? How did I get here, for that matter? How did Jean ValBeeblebrox know where to find Random? How can Jean ValBeeblebrox and Inspector McMillian leave if his ship is out of fuel? Why are there so many characters with names that are in only one scene? It doesn't make any sense!

AD Oh, lighten up. Here, try some Perfectly Normal Beast on wheat.

[Ford does]

FP Hey, this is pretty good! Say, do you have a VCR? I still haven't seen Casablanca...

[End Scene 4. End Act III. End Les Not-Quite-So Miserables.]