The Regrettable Comedy and Worthless drama


Les Not-Quite-So Miserables


The Hitchhiker's Guide to Les Mis

Act II, Random

Scene 1[2005, the trailer. Random, age 8, is sitting, sewing some clothes while Elizabeth and Alice play. Enter ST.]

ST Brat! You worthless thing! Are you done with that jacket yet? [Random hands her a jacket with a large backwards Nike swoosh] Cretin! Look at this, it's backwards! No one is going to pay anything for this! At least the sewing is poor, it'll be easy to tear off!

[Enter RT]

RT Why the hell do you waste your time on that wench? We should have fed her to the feral dogs seven years ago when her deadbeat mom left her here.

ST Don't remind me. She's almost as bad as the little retard inside. But, at least now she can sew. Almost. [to Random] And that had better be fixed when I get back.

[Exit ST. From inside the trailer, a baby wails]

RT Shut yer yap!

[Enter JVB]

JVB Sir!

RT What do you want?

JVB Whose child is that?

RT What do you care?

JVB I want her.

RT Why?

JVB I'm her... grandfather.

RT I don't believe you.

JVB Too bad. She's mi-

[Enter FP and AD, running]

FP Jean!

JVB Ford!

AD Strange trailer inhabitant!

[They all look at AD]

AD Sorry.

FP We've got to get out of here now!

JVB Why? What's going on?

FP The you-know-whats and their big yellow bulldozers want to level this place.

JVB You're kidding!

FP No! Come on!

JVB I can't leave the girl!

[The wind begins howling]

FP Bring her with!

[Enter Inspector McM]

McM Freeze, scumbags [RT puts his hands in the air]

FP Now is really not a good time. Arthur, get out the thumb. [Arthur fumbles in his pockets]

Booming Voice People of Earth...

FP Now would be good, Arthur.

[Arthur drops something on the ground, which McM scrambles to pick up]

JVB We'll use mine. Come here, girl.

[JVB and McM push their buttons at the same time. Blackout. End Scene 1]

Scene 2 [Interior, Vogon spaceship. JVB, FP, AD, and Random are lying on the ground. Ford is the first to stir.]

FP [Moans]

AD I was hoping I would never have to do that again.

JVB If there's one thing I've learned, its that you never, ever hope something like that.

FP Yeah, the next time you might wind up dead, instead.

[Random gets up, and cowers in the corner]

FP Little girl, don't be frightened.

AD What's your name?

Rand R-R-Random.

AD I'm Arthur.

FP Jean, what are you going to do now?

JVB I don't know. I've never had a kid before. At least, not one that I know of.

FP I've got a ship waiting on the Gorbean V station -- you could take it.

JVB Really? Thanks, Ford.

FP 'Course, the hyperspace radio doesn't work, and it handles pretty poorly, and I think there's a crack in the hull.

JVB Ford?

FP It's in stall 5052.

JVB Ford?

FP Yeah?

JVB Shut up, Ford.

FP Oh. Right.

AD I hate to be a bother...

JVB and FP Too late.

AD But isn't this a Vogon spaceship? As I remember, they don't like hitchhikers.

FP So we'll have to be quiet. Come on, fellows, let's see if we can...

[A klaxon sounds. Everyone but Random drops to the floor.]

AD Random, lie down like a good girl. [she does] That's the-

[Blackout. End Scene 2]

Scene 3 [Ford's ship in stall 5052. Enter JVB and Random.]

JVB That was a lovely walk, wasn't it, Random?

Rand Yes, daddy.

JVB Alright, young lady, you go inside while I make sure everything is working right.

[Exit Random onto the ship. JVB begins inspecting the ship. Enter Inspector McM disguised as a technician.]

McM Excuse me, sir.

JVB What is it?

McM Don't you need some work done, Mister...?

JVB ValBeeblebrox. No, thank you.

McM Are you sure?

JVB Yes.

[A voice comes over the loudspeaker]

Voice Ladies and gentlebeings. As commander of this station, I am happy to announce your daily poetry reading.

McM What's this?

JVB Oh no! Cover your ears! [he does]

McM Why?

Voice This is called: Ode to Watterlou

Oh, glorious, fandeferous battle!

Bluegrass and scintillating crabs abound.

Frogstar fighters flash red lasers,

making snifelerous, bifferous sound.

JVB [writhing on the floor] Augh!

McM Oh, the humanity!


Shot to hell, skewered rat,

Napoleon is short and fat,

Fendibulous wanly wonkers

Make old cannon fodder.

JVB Noo! Stop!

Voice Thank you, that will be all for today.

McM Thank God!

[Exit McM, quickly]

JVB What an odd woman.

[He continues to inspect the ship. The voice returns.]

Voice Jean ValBeeblebrox! You have been brought to the attention of the authorities. Please stand by to be arrested!

JVB Damn! I knew that woman looked familiar. McMillian must've asked the local authorities for help. Random! Get ready for takeoff! [He runs into the ship] Ow! [He enters the ship]

[End Scene 3]

Scene 4 [This is a dual set. On stage left is the interior of JVB's ship, JVB and Rand are onstage. On stage right is the interior of Inspector McM's ship, McM onstage. Suggested: lights alternate between the sections during the scene.]

JVB Random, get into your seat. Buckle up! [he gives a cheesy smile to the audience with a thumbs up while she does. He also buckles up] Hang on, we've got to get out of here quick! [He manipulates the controls. A voice is heard.]

Voice XFG-1783 -- You have not been authorized to launch! Leaving the station will constitute a violation of the law and you will be considered a fugitive. Cease now.

JVB Not a chance!

[Switch to McM]

McM This is Inspector McMillian of the Galactic Bureau of Investigations. I am in pursuit of the fugitive Jean ValBeeblebrox. I have warrants for his arrest on five planets.

Voice Inspector McMillian, you are cleared for launch.

[She manipulates the controls.]

McM Gorbean V, I request three ships for assistance in capturing the fugitive.

Voice Granted.

McM Thank you.

[Switch to JVB]

JVB I knew it. McMillian is after me again. Hold on, Random, this may get ugly.

McM ValBeeblebrox! Give yourself up! You'll never escape!

JVB Try me, McMillian! Random, get ready to push the hyperspace drive button.

[They hold on, (if not switching lights back and forth, blackout on their side). Switch to McMillian]

McM Damn! They went into hyperspace...hmm, the only system in range in the direction they were headed in is... Ha-ha! I have them now! [to other ships] Prepare to enter hyperspace headed to these coordinates!

[She holds on (if not switching lights back and forth, blackout on her side). Switch to JVB (lights up)]

JVB [Holding head with one hand] I wish there was a better way to get from there to here that didn't involve so many headaches. [he checks his instruments] Oh no! This is a dead end! There's no way out!

[Switch to McM (lights up)]

McM [holding her head] Aha, ValBeeblebrox! You're trapped. Soon I will drag you back to the waiting hands of justice.

JVB More like waiting claws.

McM Surrender now, and the prosecutors may be lenient.

JVB Never! I must protect Random!

[Switch to JVB]

JVB Everything's going to be okay, Random. Don't worry. I'm just going to fly down to this planet here...[he looks at the screen.] What the...? Hold on, Random!

[Many-colored lights flash. Switch to McM (blackout on JVB)]

McM The fool! He's headed straight for the planet. (beat) What is he doing? He's going too fast! There won't be a body to bring back! (beat) What!?!?!? Where'd he go? He should have crashed! Damn you, ValBeeblebrox!

[End Scene 4]

Scene 5 [a planet. Small town, a village. Onstage are townspeople, going about their business. Enter JVB with Random]

JVB I never thought I'd see a fold like that in the space-time continuum! Good thing those buffalo were running through it, or I wouldn't have ever seen it.

[Enter AD]

AD Perfectly Normal Beasts.

JVB What?

AD They're not buffalo, they're Perfectly Normal Beasts.

JVB You don't say.

AD Oh, yes.

JVB So... what are you doing here, monkeyman?

AD Well, after one incident involving a space liner, a pot of daisies and a sperm whale, which turned out surprisingly well, I was traveling around and my ship crashed and I ended up stranded on this planet. The locals didn't take to me right away, but they were quite impressed when I showed them my wondrous knowledge of technology.

JVB And that would be?

[A townsperson approaches AD]

Towns Oh, great Sandwichmaker...

AD Erm, uh, yes?

Towns Your wise presence is needed presently!

AD Ah, yes. I'll be right there.

[Exit Townsperson]

JVB Sandwichmaker?

AD Well, you see...

JVB Nevermind for now. WE need a place to stay and my ship is, er, out of fuel.

AD Yes, of course. I'll see to it right away.

JVB Thank you.

[Enter Chief]

AD Here's the man we want right now. Chief?

Chief Yes, oh wise Sandwichmaker?

AD These two are... cousins of mine. They, too, arrived from the sky and are in need of a home. Would it be possible for them to stay here?

Chief I believe that could be arranged, yes.

AD Ah, good. Thank you.

[Exit Chief]

You know, I've had quite a bit of spare time lately... would you like to hear some of my poetry?

JVB Well, actually...

AD It goes like this: My Blown-Up Planet Blues

Well, there's a planet

Very dear to me

With green grass and

blue oceans that I love

What happened to my planet?

It's clear to me

They needed a bypass and

The planet needed a shove...

JVB [clapping] Beautiful! Wonderful! Let's go, Random.

AD I'm not fin-

JVB Goodbye, Arthur. See you later!

[Exit JVB and Random. End Scene 5. End Act II]