The Regrettable Comedy and Worthless drama


Les Not-Quite-So Miserables


The Hitchhiker's Guide to Les Mis

Act III, Marius, St. Bob and Jean ValBeeblebrox

Scene 1 [The village. Onstage is Marius]

Mar Ah, everyday I wait eagerly by the hut of the Sandwichmaker for the young girl whose name I don't know. She comes with her fathers, the Sandwichmaker and some guy with white hair. I always call him Mr. Whitehair but no one else seems to. Oh well.

[Enter Marius' friends, Mishka, Shishka, and Bob]

Mish Hail, Marius!

Mar Hi Mishka, Shishka, Bob.

Shish How is this fine day for you?

Mar Never so fine as when she is here.

Bob A "she," now?

Mish (jokingly) Had you given up on me?

[Enter Random and JVB, opposite Marius]

Mar Shut up! There she is!

[Random and JVB walk across the stage and cross in front of Marius and gang]

Mar [tips his hat or makes some gesture of greeting] Hello, good sir.

[JVB acknowledges with a nod of his head. Exit JVB and Random]

Shish She is pretty.

Mar She's beautiful. And she will be mine.

[End Scene 1]

Scene 2 [the swamps. Onstage is RT with Petty Thugs. Also onstage are ST, Elizabeth and Alice, and Marius (hidden)]

RT Suzanne, quickly! Put on your rags. Elizabeth, break this pot on your head!

Eliz No way!

RT Fine, just break it and smudge your face with some dirt. Alice, lie there and look sick. [she moans] Good! Quickly, now! He'll be here any minute.

[Enter JVB]

RT He's here! Look pathetic!

Alice No problem.

RT [greeting JVB] Oh, noble sir! Friend of the Sandwichmaker!

JVB Do I know you?

RT Only in that I am of the downtrodden under class so commonly crushed -- I mean, aided by those who are better off than us socially.

JVB Uh-huh. It's just that... I think I've seen your face somewhere before.

RT Impossible, sir, I assure you.

Petty Thug [jumping up and down with hand in the air] Oh! Oh! I know! He's the guy that you took the little girl from!

JVB You!

RT That's the last time I use an audience member for a petty thug.

[Enter McM escorted by another petty thug]

PT2 Hey, boss, I found this girl snoopin' around.

RT Excellent. She will make out body count for this operation all the higher. I'll win the trophy at the next evil-doers reunion. For you see... Mr. ValBeeblebrox, you will kill McMillian!

McM You!

JVB You!

Mar (played by Vince) Gasp!

RT Oho! A spy, eh? [he drags Marius out from behind a tree] Well, you can kill ValBeeblebrox before we kill you!

Mar Gasp again!

[RT hands JVB a gun. JVB takes aim at McM but instead fires at RT (and misses). In the ensuing scuffle, Marius is injured. At the end, JVB, holding a gun, and McM are left standing]

McM Well, go ahead and shoot me. I've done nothing but hound you for sixty years. You know you want to.

[JVB hesitates for a moment]

JVB No. I must save this boy's life, but I cannot carry him alone. We need to get him back to the village.

McM ...Alright.

[They carry Marius offstage. End Scene 2]

Scene 3 [Sandwichmaker's hut. Onstage are Random and AD. Enter JVB and McM with Marius]

JVB Arthur! Quickly, we need some bandages!

AD Are glow-in-the-dark Snoopys alright?

JVB I don't care! Give 'em here.

[They bandage him]

Rand Hey! It's that crazy guy who always stares at me! [she looks at him] You know, he's not too bad-looking. Daddies, I want to marry him.

JVB What?! You don't even know him!

Rand So? You and Sandwich-daddy are the only people I do know.

AD She has a point.

JVB What? No, she doesn't!

AD Oh. Quite right.

McM Are you an Earthman?

AD Yes, how did you know?

McM Just a guess.

Rand I'm going to marry him just the same.

JVB Tell you what, you can marry him if, after living with him for six months, you can still stand him.

Rand Okay.

[End Scene 3]

Scene 4 [The wedding reception. Onstage is the entire cast except Ford]

JVB Well, you did it, honey. I'm very proud.

Rand Thanks, daddy.

McM So, where are you going now, Jean?

JVB I don't know. I was thinking somewhere in the Hoffman sector. You want to come?

McM Sure. Let's go.

[Exit JVB and McM]

Mar I'm so, so happy, pumpkin.

Rand Me, too, sweetcheeks.

Mar Sweetcheeks! What a dreadful term!

Rand Too bad. Hey! Let's go consummate our marriage!

Mar Okay!

RT Wait! I need money!

[Random and Marius exit]

AD Here, have a sandwich.

RT I don't want a... are those peanut butter and swiss on zuccini?

AD Yes.

RT They're my favorite!

[Enter Ford]

FP Wait! This isn't at all how Les Miserables ends! And what about everything that doesn't make sense! How'd the Thénardiers get here? How did I get here, for that matter? How did Jean ValBeeblebrox know where to find Random? How can Jean ValBeeblebrox and Inspector McMillian leave if his ship is out of fuel? Why are there so many characters with names that are in only one scene? It doesn't make any sense!

AD Oh, lighten up. Here, try some Perfectly Normal Beast on wheat.

[Ford does]

FP Hey, this is pretty good! Say, do you have a VCR? I still haven't seen Casablanca...

[End Scene 4. End Act III. End Les Not-Quite-So Miserables.]